Small Groups

Stop by the “Small Group Leaders Check In Here” counter in the concourse Sunday, September 27, to pick up curriculum materials for Wiiik One or download the materials from here.
Wiii before Mi Leader Supplement
Wiiik One Lesson for Leaders
Wiiik One Scripture Sheet for Group Members

I participated in my first triathlon this past weekend. I’m not much of a swimmer, so it wasn’t a true triathlon. The race began with a three mile kayak/canoe on the Wolf River, followed by a 19 mile mountain bike, and it ended with a 3 ½ mile trail run through the hills and along the river. It was a blast. Challenging, grueling, and exhausting. But a blast nevertheless. I participated in the race with two of my best friends. We travelled up to northern Wisconsin and camped out the night before the race. It’s beautiful country up there, and I strongly recommend taking a visit to the Nicolet National Forest and exploring the Wolf River if you ever get a chance. The campground was great, the weather was perfect, the stars were bright and beautiful, and the lake nearby was gorgeous.

But, as I was exploring the area around our campsite, I discovered a large spider web…with my face! You need to understand that I hate spiders. I was attacked and bitten by numerous spiders once while sleeping when I was a young child. So my relationship with spiders is akin to Indiana Jones’ relationship with snakes. I truly believe they are evil. I’m pretty sure that the original language from Genesis is better translated with “spider” than “serpent” when referring to the creature in the Garden of Eden. I have sat each of my children on my lap when they are little and looked through their book of animals with them, teaching them to moo like cows, purr like cats, bark like dogs, roar like bears, and smash the picture of the spider that appears midway through the book. So, when I walk through a spider web, especially with my face, I freak out a bit because I can’t help but wonder, “Where’s the spider that made this web? Is it on me? Is it on my head?”

You’ll notice that mt. bikers in central Illinois are usually pretty eager to let others lead the way the first time through a trail, mostly so that person can identify the fallen logs, thorns, dangerous curves, and spider webs. So I know I’m not alone in this dislike of spiders and their webs. Admittedly, I may be a bit more phobic with my dislike than others, but I’m OK with that.

However, though I hate spiders, I also respect their incredible ability to produce a small strand of fiber that, proportionate to their weight and size, is incredibly strong. The tinsel strength of spider webs is incredible. If humans had the power to produce something similar from our bodies, it would be like pulling a 2-inch steel cable from inside our bodies. That’s wild. And spiders can weave their webs so fast. You can tear down a web on your house in the evening, and the next morning it’s back up. And, though I don’t like to walk through them, I love to see a spider web covered in dew and reflecting the sunlight on an early morning walk or run. They really are quite beautiful. And I think we can learn something from the web. It has many points of connection. It’s sticky, making things cling to it when they come in contact with it. And they are intricate.

What if we modeled our small groups off of the design of a spider web? What if our small groups had a number of points of connections? What if they were strong and resilient? What if they caused those who come in contact with them to stick and cling to the group, and the church? What if you drew an organizational chart for small group? Would it look more like a pyramid, with everything pointing to one person at the top? Or maybe like an inverted pyramid, with everyone else piling up on the one person who tries to remain the foundation. What if our chart looked like a spider web, with shared responsibility in many areas, with various people leading and facilitating and helping steer the group? Maybe that’s how we’ll find the strength, the stickiness, and the beauty in our small groups – by enlisting others to serve and to lead in various capacities. And, as leaders, when we can share the leadership and take a season off, then we just might have the opportunity to step back and recognize the beauty in the design.

The other day my daughter Lydia, who turns four next month, wanted to wear a pair of mommy’s shoes when we were playing. I told her she couldn’t because they didn’t fit her (and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be the one to give my daughter permission to ruin what looked like a nice pair of my wife’s shoes). Later in the day we once again were going into the backyard to play, and Lydia wanted to wear her sister’s shoes. Again I shared with her that she couldn’t because they didn’t fit. I knew from the puzzled look on her face that even though she verbally agreed with me, I still needed to do some explaining.

We looked at different shoes, comparing them side by side, putting a pair of her shoes inside a pair of mine. She put her feet next to mine. Even though she could get her foot into both her mommy’s and sister’s shoes, and even though they would stay on, they weren’t the best fit for her. We talked about how we need to get rid of shoes sometimes, even the really cute ones that we really, really like, because we outgrow them and they’re too small for us. I could tell by the look on her face that now she was getting it. We can wear some shoes that are the wrong size for us, and we can make them work, but they’ll never work as good as the ones that are the right fit. Yesterday I saw Mommy giving Lydia a pair of shoes that her older sister Abi had outgrown, and I heard her say that they “fit” her.

I wonder if we do this with our small groups sometimes. Trying to put people into a group that’s just too big. We have so many couples that we like that we don’t turn anyone away when they ask to join our group, and suddenly the group doesn’t fit anyone very well. Maybe it’s time to do something about it, and regroup so that it fits us better. I wonder is sometimes we keep the group too small, trying to make it fit but squeezing everyone in the group too much because there’s just not enough interaction. You know, after a while if we wear the wrong size of shoes, we get blisters and have all kinds of foot issues, and our soles can get messed up. What happens to our souls when we’re in a small group that doesn’t “fit”?

Larry Osbourne, in his book Sticky Church, steals some research from the field of sociology, and couples it with his experience, and identifies some good benchmarks for group size for various kinds of groups:  “Groups have to be small enough that everyone can contribute, but large enough that no one feels forced to share. A group of introverts should naturally be larger than a group of extroverts. The first needs more people to help break the silence, while the other needs fewer people to allow for some silence. Marital status is also important. 12-14 people is a good size for a couples group, while 8-12 is more ideal for singles. This is due in part to how married couples often function as one unit, rather than two people, from a small group perspective. Also, when groups get too big, then they lose accountability and people become inconsistent. But when they are too small, there’s not enough energy to keep them functioning well. There are some exceptions, of course, but not as many as we make excuses for.”

So, here’s the rub for us as small group leaders. Heading into the fall season, getting ready to kick-off our groups, it’s a good time for us to think through group dynamics and pay attention to size. It’s a good time for us to consider the right fit. If your group is too big, consider re-grouping and sending off some people to lead another group. If your group is too small, consider inviting in some people who already have connections with your group. Here’s what I’m NOT suggesting: splitting your group or forcing new people in. Let it happen more organically than that. Look for a natural break in the group if it’s above 12 and reorganize the group. Look for some people already in the network of friends of your group and invite them in if your group is too small. And let it be natural, because it’s most comfortable when it’s the right fit.

Recently at work I’ve taken a couple “tests” to find out a little bit more about myself – how I’m wired up, what my strengths are, and what areas I’m not so strong in. Both of these tests confirmed what I already knew, but still added some helpful insight. During graduate school I took a number of personality profiles and tests which all gave insight into how I’m wired up. It was a great experience for me, because it helped me become more self aware.

One of the things I like best about revisiting some of these tools for self awareness, though, is that this time everyone on staff is doing it. We’ve all used the same couple tools to give us insight into our strengths and weaknesses, and we’re all reviewing them to see if they’ve given an accurate assessment. But we’re doing more than that. We’ve been asked to identify some key areas about our personalities, our strengths, our weaknesses, our working styles, etc., that other people we work with need to know. You see, it’s one thing for me to know how I’m wired up and how that will affect the way I work, but if I never share that with others, especially those who are wired very differently from me, then we could have a potential train wreck at some point.

Gaining insight into ourselves is critically important, but it shouldn’t stop there. We need to ensure that those close to us, our families and co-workers and friends gain a better understanding of us. This just provides for better, more honest, and effective communication. It also alerts us to things we need to be careful of when we’re around different people. For example, I’m a very highly energetic and relational personal. So much so that when I walk into the room, some of my more reserved and introspective friends need a nap just from looking at me. Being aware of this helps me remember to tone it down a bit so I don’t exhaust them. I also know that I can be a bit impulsive, so I need to slow down and listen to the objective advice from some of my more cautious friends.

But that’s the difficult part – identifying what I need to do with that self awareness. It’s not enough to know my strengths and weaknesses. It’s not enough for me to share my strengths and weaknesses. It’s not even enough for me to also know others’ strengths and weaknesses. I need to think through how those different personality types, how different giftedness, how the different ways we’re wired up will merge and clash and gel. I need to examine how I impact the people around me just from being me, and how they impact me just from being who they are. And then we need to acknowledge that God has wired each of us up differently from one another for different roles and purposes.

This is part of the growing process. This self evaluation takes a little effort. Sometimes the tools that help (I recommend the Strengths Finder 2.0 which I was recently made aware of) take a little money. And sometimes involving the feedback of others takes a lot of humility. But it’s worth it. Think of what it would look like to talk through each person’s strengths and weaknesses with the group in a gentle, respectful, humble, honoring way to assist each person in becoming more comfortable with who they are in Christ, and to create deeper understanding of differences and respect for one another. I think this starts with the leader, and I think it starts with some personal reflection on our leadership. So, I’ve included just a few questions for you to ponder in your personal reflection this week:

What aspects of leading the group are most natural for you? Why?

In what areas might you struggle?

How will evaluation help you in both your strong and weak areas?

What aspect of leading a group have you seen another do well that you would like to emulate?

How can you involve group members in the evaluation of your leadership? How can this be beneficial?