Small Groups

The other day my daughter Lydia, who turns four next month, wanted to wear a pair of mommy’s shoes when we were playing. I told her she couldn’t because they didn’t fit her (and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be the one to give my daughter permission to ruin what looked like a nice pair of my wife’s shoes). Later in the day we once again were going into the backyard to play, and Lydia wanted to wear her sister’s shoes. Again I shared with her that she couldn’t because they didn’t fit. I knew from the puzzled look on her face that even though she verbally agreed with me, I still needed to do some explaining.

We looked at different shoes, comparing them side by side, putting a pair of her shoes inside a pair of mine. She put her feet next to mine. Even though she could get her foot into both her mommy’s and sister’s shoes, and even though they would stay on, they weren’t the best fit for her. We talked about how we need to get rid of shoes sometimes, even the really cute ones that we really, really like, because we outgrow them and they’re too small for us. I could tell by the look on her face that now she was getting it. We can wear some shoes that are the wrong size for us, and we can make them work, but they’ll never work as good as the ones that are the right fit. Yesterday I saw Mommy giving Lydia a pair of shoes that her older sister Abi had outgrown, and I heard her say that they “fit” her.

I wonder if we do this with our small groups sometimes. Trying to put people into a group that’s just too big. We have so many couples that we like that we don’t turn anyone away when they ask to join our group, and suddenly the group doesn’t fit anyone very well. Maybe it’s time to do something about it, and regroup so that it fits us better. I wonder is sometimes we keep the group too small, trying to make it fit but squeezing everyone in the group too much because there’s just not enough interaction. You know, after a while if we wear the wrong size of shoes, we get blisters and have all kinds of foot issues, and our soles can get messed up. What happens to our souls when we’re in a small group that doesn’t “fit”?

Larry Osbourne, in his book Sticky Church, steals some research from the field of sociology, and couples it with his experience, and identifies some good benchmarks for group size for various kinds of groups:  “Groups have to be small enough that everyone can contribute, but large enough that no one feels forced to share. A group of introverts should naturally be larger than a group of extroverts. The first needs more people to help break the silence, while the other needs fewer people to allow for some silence. Marital status is also important. 12-14 people is a good size for a couples group, while 8-12 is more ideal for singles. This is due in part to how married couples often function as one unit, rather than two people, from a small group perspective. Also, when groups get too big, then they lose accountability and people become inconsistent. But when they are too small, there’s not enough energy to keep them functioning well. There are some exceptions, of course, but not as many as we make excuses for.”

So, here’s the rub for us as small group leaders. Heading into the fall season, getting ready to kick-off our groups, it’s a good time for us to think through group dynamics and pay attention to size. It’s a good time for us to consider the right fit. If your group is too big, consider re-grouping and sending off some people to lead another group. If your group is too small, consider inviting in some people who already have connections with your group. Here’s what I’m NOT suggesting: splitting your group or forcing new people in. Let it happen more organically than that. Look for a natural break in the group if it’s above 12 and reorganize the group. Look for some people already in the network of friends of your group and invite them in if your group is too small. And let it be natural, because it’s most comfortable when it’s the right fit.